Office Mate - Opposites Unattract

new position

2010-01-12T13:11:00.000-08:00

I recently took a new position that I held before in the same division, but in a difference office. I'm deciding on whether or not to post about the same now former office mate or pick on the one that now sits behind me. I will probably pick on the new one. Below is one day, two years ago, in the life of my job.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

8:00 – close the blinds over the air conditioner in our 100 year old building b/c it lets the wind in. Our boiler is broken, the same boiler they’ve been working on for three months. It’s -3C for fuck’s sake. Ted Williams’ head couldn’t survive in this environment. I’m Laura Engalls Wilder in this fucking log cabin.

8:03 - I have my hooded sweatshirt on and employing the hood. I look like a Jedi researcher. Yes, I’m a male librarian, who just made a Star Wars reference while he diaried his whole day. Color me dork.

8:05-8:25 – perused my daily links (break.com, maximonline.com, espn.com headlines, soccernet, popcandy, etc.), stared at Woodward Ave.

8:33 – my cool colleague has a virus on her computer that opens 43 IE windows, then counts them down, then back up. I laugh and mock b/c it isn’t my computer.

8:36 – my man-hating, hairy armed colleague has expelled her first exasperated sigh

8:38 – cool colleague goes to get the funny IT guy who hails from parts unknown. His way to greet you is some sort of double hand wave. Like he can’t pick just one hand to wave with, so he over does it.

8:46 – eating Trix out of a plastic baggie, making noise to annoy my asexual-can’t-get-a- boyfriend colleague who battles me on every “would you rather” argument. Vile woman.

8:48 – extend my streak to four days of dropping at least one kernel of Trix and running it over to create sugar powder muddle under my chair. Joe Dimaggio, ’72 Dolphins, Susan Lucci and me.

8:51 – miserable man-hating colleague and I enter into a discussion about the possibility of their really being a Santa Claus vs. there being a Jesus Christ. I stand by Santa, she stands by the other guy. Her argument rests on talking reindeer, mine rests on the Crouching Tiger/Matrix antics of one J. H. Christ. Let the rhetoric commence bitches.

8:55 – same horrible miserable no good woman gets me into an argument about those commercials AT&T have that combine the city names to make one name. I’m not done with the Santa fight yet, but I’ll ambush her later. THEN, she gets on my case about eating M&M’s early in the morning.

8:57 – pressing my temples to make the pain go away.

9:01 – first sneeze/nose blow of the day for miserable colleague, this will be thematic.

9:02 – Ambiguous sub continental IT guy leaves with a Shooter McGavin finger pistol motion. Awesome.

9:09 – Starting the two hour Prison Break from last night. I bathe in your jealousy

9:10 – I would start the show if it was posted, I’ll try Heroes, which IS posted FOX, you shit ass network.

9:12 – another nose blow followed by a cacophony of sniffles

9:15 – continuing research on some lawyer that represents Ernie Harwell, and once represented Pete Rose (great job dude).

9:18 – I’m throwing this out there to man-hating colleague: Ali Larter is better looking than Hayden Panettiere; she just huffs in response, which I think means I’m a slobbish pig of a man doomed to hell, which I think will most certainly be run by her…in the nude.

9:22 - miserable man-hating colleague just tells us that Ted Nugent’s wife is an alum of the school I work at. She’s proud of herself.

9:33 – Faygo truck across the street at the gas station; you’d better be ready to die for the last Rock and Rye on the planet b/c I will kill you dead for it.

9:40 – we have to start doing work. Big events in NY and Chicago. Let the narcolepsy begin. All of my work will have line after line of the letter “h” throughout.

9:47 – another nose blow, which will be followed by some honking, sniffling, laughing at herself and the absurdity of it all…I’m stapling the webbing between my fingers into my desk so I don’t get up and lop her nose off.

9:56 – equation time: husky female colleague from across the hall leaving one person bathroom + me going in right after = heebie jeebies and furtive glances about the bathroom.

9:58 – The tv show Heroes scrambles my cerebellum

10:15 – started watching Journeyman starring that dude from Rome (HBO).

10:19 – sneeze/nose blow/sniffle/rinse/repeat/mumble about allergies

10:26 – told my miserable man-hating colleague that I loved watching Melrose Place, and she gave me one of her high pitched “MM-HMMM!” ’s

10:38 – eating Ranch Wheat Thins…little squares of heaven.

10:40 – actually nonprofitally working…

11:00 – the three of us are working, it’s quiet, research army marching on into the gray nothingness of…snore

11:04 – here’s the thing about the Beowulf trailer: I really do think Angelina Jolie can turn herself into an animated serpent. Would anyone be surprised by this?

11:06 – starting to watch Chuck

11:11 - my toes look like purple grapes due to the subzero temps in this joint.

11:25 – we just had a 24-esque deadline applied to us…it’s on bitches. My fingers are moving like Swift from David the Gnome, who would coincidentally, kick the Travelocity gnome’s ass.

11:43 – hey-oh, another sneeze/nose blow combination, this one scared me, I kind of jumped; Roberto Duran, no mas!

12:18 – Watching Bing Bang Theory, funny ass show, you love it, I know this. I’m also scrambling the Alert Five aircraft to get this assignment done, Wolfman and Hollywood are on their way. Maverick supersonic

12:26 – while discussing how to format our assignment, miserable man-hating colleague takes 72 seconds to get a question out of her mouth. I could have crocheted an afghan by now.

12:28 – sneeze, nose blow (shaking my head)

12:30 – watching CSI Miami now, this is Horatio Caine’s world people, we’re all just paying rent. Know this edict and live by it

12:58 - sneeze, nose blow (shaking my head…again)

1:15 – Horatio needs to get some action, he’s always hypertense

1:20 - miserable man-hating colleague just huffed and whisked away on her broomstick, which is chronically shoved up her ass, to lunch.

1:39 - just finished How I Met Your Mother….Doogie Howser is the only funny part of this show.

1:45 – lunch. This much inactivity needs fuel people.

2:45 – 3:45 - as we wrapped up our awful assignment, I slowly watched gray clouds cover downtown Detroit, cover my vision, and then had to deal with three successive “I hate my life” sighs from that miserable man-hating colleague

3:50 – boss tells me that there shouldn’t be any more emergency assignments like the one that just shook up Cook County Hospital in here…where’s Doug Ross when you need him?

4:00 – 5:00 – about six times she sneezed in the next hour and I just think her cubicle looks like the inside of the Statue of Liberty in Ghostbusters II when they spray it with the emotional fueled goop.

4:11 – finding episodes of the British version of the Office, the greatest thing to ever happen to television, so take that JR, no one cares who shot you.

4:24 – eating an apple and wondering if anyone actually has bitten into a worm while eating an apple, resume staring out the window at Woodward

4:31 – cool colleague and I start complaining about how long the last half hour is

4:35 – emergency reference question from a D.O. in Vegas looking for a phone number.

4:49 – can’t find the phone number, must be tattooed on a unicorns ass in Mordor.

4:55 – found two numbers, but I’m not confident in them…you don’t give a shit.

4:57 – last time I did this, I laughed about the word “shuttlecock.” I’m laughing at it again. Shuttlecock. Now you’re laughing.

5:00 – shuttlecock out to my car

Holes

2009-12-15T05:40:00.001-08:00

Not the Disney movie. She keeps bringing in doughnut holes. And more Xmas decorations. I told her yesterday that she is probably on the Wall of Fame at Michaels and very seriously said, "THAT is the only I go." Like it was game 7 or something. She is serious about her holiday spirit.

constant

2009-12-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

Since she got in this morning, there has been 5 straight hours of steady and nonstop keyboarding. I think if I looked over there I would see some sort of machine just pecking away at the home key position, while she sat in the corner and watched me, sharpening her twin sai to kill me later.

Marcel Marceau

2009-12-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

She was listening to the office manager next door speak to someone and came and mimed some sort of comment to me. I watched her for a minute and wondered if she missed her calling as some sort of swat team commander leading silent raids on hostage situations. Witness.

Tapping my forehead

2009-12-01T05:03:00.000-08:00

She put her Christmas decorations up. Holly, a tree, and multiple wreaths (es?). F@#$%^& Christmas decorations. At work.

I drew a pine tree in five seconds and taped it to my desk cupboard.

I hate the holidays.

Back from vacation

2009-11-24T07:32:00.000-08:00

I'm back from a soccer vacation and she thundered into the room this morning. Apparently, she was out ill yesterday because Sunday she had "the runs" at church while she was singing. That led to a raging headache and the sweats. She was praying that she could get out of church in time.

Should've taken these three days off as well.

Plopping a grumpy

2009-11-12T10:22:00.001-08:00

Updated on the cat. She had a regular bowel movement...in the LITTER BOX (fist pump). Hazzah!

Meow

2009-11-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

So, she took yesterday afternoon off to take her cat to the vet. She stomped into the office this morning and (to be nice) I asked her how the visit went. I won't transcribe the conversation, but the following words were thrown out...casually:

enema
diarrhea
innards
constipation

We also talked about how the cat now takes a feline version of glucosamine chondroitin. Which means I now take a version of supplement that my office mate's cat takes for its joints. SUH-weet.

healthy

2009-11-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

She left early yesterday, she felt something coming on. Could be the vapors since she's an extra from Deadwood, the real one, not the show. Anyway, she's back and I'm fairly certain she was finalizing her plan to eliminate me. I like to spend my days wondering how she'll do it. I'm hoping for some sort of blunt force trauma - maybe Ajax's hammer since her hands are the same size as his.

Class warfare

2009-10-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

She just asked our custodian if he still goes out for halloween. He's 35. I think she thinks he's uneducated. He's almost done with his Fine Arts (graphic design)/Business double major here at our university. Nice. He just looked at me when he walked by laughed silently. Amen.

Breakfast all day

2009-10-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

She just went to the campus diner and came back with a glowing report. She broke it down like Digger Phelps and his damn highlighter. Or like Oprah. Or like the ogre she resembles.

Coincidence

2009-10-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

She comes up and talks to me about her long ass walk last night as I was watching this video. True fact. Keep it gangsta.

pants

2009-10-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

Her pants today are literally propping up her breasts. She just threw a paper in my face to proof, she should have been Lord of the Rings, like the dude on Top Chef (Kevin).

aye?

2009-10-08T09:09:00.001-07:00

She went to Ottawa with her friend for Canadian Thanksgiving. In jest, I asked her if they had Canadian bacon instead of turkey. She responded with a scorn-dripped "No."

Right.

It's been a while

2009-09-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

Oh, but she let out a doozy yesterday. Apparently, someone has been sucking on the mints she leaves out on a dish and putting them back in the bowl. Anyway, she unleashed a scathing message to the phantom sucker and TOOK the dish away. Left the candy, but took the dish. Awesome.

Meanie

2009-09-03T06:52:00.001-07:00

I think she just told me in a round-a-bout way to be nicer to people. Fuck off.

Copperfield

2009-09-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

"life is all an illusion" she says to me. I can only hope this little incident is also an illusion.

Rich to the poor

2009-08-21T05:40:00.001-07:00

She said something this morning about taking a circular route to work and uttered the phrase, "...around Robin Hood's barn to get here." What?

Frequency

2009-08-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

She has been over to talk to me about 10 times this morning. How am I supposed to write (i.e., watch online tv) with all this distraction?!

Excel? No she doesn't

2009-08-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

We had to spend ten minutes working out she can "save as" a download onto her desktop. Then she thanked me profusely.

Back from Vacation

2009-08-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

She was on a stay-cation. She's back and I have two nuggets:

1. We had a hiring that was universally frowned upon by everyone in the building. When she heard of it, she made a stinkface - it looks very much like bitter beer face.

2. She was just watching the Evolution of Dance video and giggling stupidly. THEN she smashed her mouse button to click it off when she knew I was back in the room. I'm not sure why she's worried, I watch tv everyday at work.

Spirit

2009-07-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

She just got done telling me that on her "stay-cation," she will be cleaning up her bedroom because it is a storage area right now. "If you know anything about Feng Shui, you know it releases NEGATIVE ENERGY!"

stinky

2009-07-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

It smells like bug spray and a drugstore perfume section in our office right now. Hot.

Brakes/Breaks

2009-07-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

She just spent ten minutes telling me about her Saturn, the dealership she got it from, the service guys at that dealership and how they recently gave her a $200 break on some labor on her brakes. This was awful. The teeth in the back of her mouth look like she went to Lil' John's dentist.

Techie sorceress

2009-07-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

20 seconds after stomping into the office, she bellows - "Are we having computer issues!" I was eating a muffin and drinking coffee.

2009-07-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

Third sentence out of her mouth this morning: "I inherited bunions from my mom."

Sequel

2009-07-10T11:08:00.001-07:00

I got an update on the cell phone issue in her life: It wasn't the battery, it was the charger. She got a free one b/c it was under warranty for anther month. Now, I "can call if you need anything." I responded with a slow head nod and an elongated "Okkkaaaayyyyy."

Celly cell

2009-07-08T06:26:00.000-07:00

She is convinced that her cell battery is on the "fritz." She asked how to handle that. I told her that she needs to take it to her service provider and where she got the phone - a place that sits not three miles from her house - and she was quiet reticent to the idea. Mind you, her car has 190K miles on it.

*she has since made about six phone calls about it.

snot

2009-07-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

Four successive sneezes. LOUD sneezes. She also seemed a little too interested in my weekend...I will have to monitor this. For the record, she spent Friday making cookies for her family's Fourth of July bash. Then Saturday, she went to said bash. Sunday, she made up for lost time by cleaning the house. I couldn't be the only one that had to sit through that today.

take off

2009-07-01T11:36:00.001-07:00

When she gets up from her chair, it's like a Harrier jet lifting off. Noise, so much noise.

E-mail

2009-07-01T06:54:00.002-07:00

So, she just printed off an e-mail she had sent to someone else in the division. It was two lines and she was SOOOOOO proud of it. Of course, I had to read it. You don't care, and I don't care that you don't care. This happen two or three times a week.

Rot

2009-06-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

She took the afternoon off yesterday because she has wood rot on her house. Wood rot. Some dude who SPECIALIZES in that was coming. She lives with her brother by the way.

opposable thumbs

2009-06-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

So, she likes to personify her illnesses:

"This virus has a real attitude. It just will not let go of me and keeps me tied down."

"I was exhausted, like this virus has whispered some fairy trance in my ear."

COME ON!

Art supplies

2009-06-09T06:10:00.000-07:00

She just stomped out of our office with an art room paper cutter. That means there has always been one in here. Yikes.

movies

2009-06-04T05:46:00.000-07:00

She brought in two VHS tapes for me to watch. Both old movies. Both old movies that I apparently HAVE to see. I will watch them, but not out of interest. I will watch them out of abject fear.

Vacation

2009-05-28T07:35:00.001-07:00

I took a day off to watch a soccer game yesterday. Today, when she came in she said, "You should take more days off." Then marched to her desk to pound her keyboard into submission.

Traffic

2009-05-20T05:36:00.001-07:00

"Boy! Traffic was annoying today. If the lights aren't timed right, then I end up behind a truck....AAAHHHHH!" She's been driving to Detroit since the Great Depression, still surprised by the rush hour. She makes my eyes cramp.

Traffic

2009-05-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

Every day she comes in and tells me how her commute went. She takes all surface streets, so the narrative is quite lengthy.

Makin' Copies

2009-05-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

We just got two new copy machines in the building. She is going to the demonstration because "apparently, they have all sorts of bells and whistles." And, yes, there are two planned demonstrations. Admission is good for both shows.

absence

2009-05-07T06:02:00.000-07:00

So, she was way quiet yesterday and is out today...pretty sure I will run a mirror under my car today after work.

uh - yeah

2009-04-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

So we just had a one sided conversation about our boss and the "changes" in hormones she is going through at her age. Like....does she suffer from the vapors? C'mon.

Manic Monday

2009-04-27T07:14:00.000-07:00

Two things today already:

1. I am pretty sure she is Bill Brasky.

2. She was just clicking feverishly on her mouse and I am 80% certain she was playing Minesweeper - saving the world.

lexicon

2009-04-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

We are both part of a writing team. She often uses the phrase, "I played with...." when referring to some edits she made. With those man hands, there is no "playing."

Arrrr!

2009-04-16T05:34:00.000-07:00

"Today is a great day to play hooky." Hooky.

Track

2009-04-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

I have to teach her how to use "track changes." She will probably need to send me an outlook reminder b/c we worked on that last week.

Gone

2009-03-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

She is on vacation for a week. She drove to Atlanta with a friend (allegedly). Before she left, she ordered to refill her candy dish because the janitor cleans her out over the course of a week. All right, sure, no problem Cruella.

Career advice

2009-03-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

Upon asking how I felt about our uber boss, I answered. THEN, she says, "don't do anything drastic like tell her that, you never know what might happen." There goes that idea. She is the only stupid sage in the world. AND she waved at me like Forrest waves at Lt. Dan on the dock. C'MON.

Drive-by

2009-03-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

She keeps walking by the desk and smiling like she knows something I don't. I think I am in for it later.

Jantorial scare

2009-03-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

"TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF, I love it, I love it, I love it." - to our janitor who just looked at her like the crazy lady she is.

The Big Aristotle (Not Shaq)

2009-03-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

And I was just smacked with this little piece of drama: "I just hit on a nugget of profound quality on my way back from the bathroom - all knowledge is suspect. Isn't that profound? We are all in trouble."

Me: "Reall?"

Elaine two-hander

2009-03-11T07:28:00.001-07:00

She keeps asking me about my job leads for coaching...I think she wants the whole office all to her self. She is colonizer.

Dental maintenance

2009-03-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

"I have to tell because I know you care...I have a dentist appointment at 7:00am...I have to get three FILLINGS and one of them is my ROOT CANAL." I held up three fingers and mouthed "three?" to her and she went crazy with a bunch of "I know"'s and "Yes"'s.

Meeting with the Dean

2009-03-06T07:21:00.000-08:00

She is participating in a meeting with our VP and the Dean of the law school. I can not wait until she gets back, interrupts my work flow (HA!) and gives me a play by play recap. It will be like ESPN Classic, only I will hate it. If she had a pool at home, I would go over there and pee in it.

back from vacation

2009-03-05T06:02:00.001-08:00

She just told me about her bunion. e-gads.

oh boy

2009-02-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

- she gave me an article on what to do when you do not like your job. how to get the most out of it.

- she gave me a Forrest Gump wave earlier today

Heavy Metal

2009-02-10T13:06:00.000-08:00

She came over after our boss completed shredded her piece about some building on campus. So, she wanders over, takes a wide stance and fakes banging her head on the wall on MY side of the office. I just kind of flicked off my headphones and muttered, "Anything wrong?"

Lunch

2009-02-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

She made some horrific smelling zesty pasta thingy for food today. Smells awful. I have been trying to breathe through my tear ducts.

Mole

2009-02-02T17:46:00.001-08:00

"ARE YOU DONE USI--Oh, you don't have your headphones on. I can't tell with my glasses, they don't let me see very well."

Spectacular.

hmmmmmm

2009-01-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

She is humming.

Pass

2009-01-28T13:08:00.001-08:00

We had a good discussion about our boss today, so I am giving her a reprieve.

Private!

2009-01-26T09:10:00.000-08:00

So I printed something to the shared (and only) printer and did not get up immediately to get it. Three, four minutes later...she pounds into the room and sees it. She picks it up, reads it over for 20 seconds, then she brings it over to me..."Did you print something?" yeah-huh.

What the?

2009-01-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

So it turns out that in the same city in middle Tennessee where i will be taking my next coaching license course, she will also be visiting about two weeks later. Seriously, that is bizarre. And she was way excited about it.

For information's sake

2009-01-14T09:01:00.001-08:00

She likes to leave the office and tell me where she's going - some examples:
- "Just going to see ______ (our supervisor)"
- "Going to grab some lunch...."
- "Going to get a print out..."
They always end in a tone like there will be more, but there never is. I'm satisfactorily unsatisfied.

GOH! The damn door

2009-01-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

While disassembling her coat from the hanger on the back of the door, she found a way to smack her "ankle bone" on the door. She called me thrice times to update me on her status. I am so sorry for myself.

Days

2008-12-23T11:51:00.000-08:00

She is ill today, Barry White voice and everything. She is taking vacation hours tomorrow, because she has them "up the kazoo."

gutteral

2008-12-18T09:48:00.000-08:00

She just barked some noise over there...then said, "Whew, excuse me."

Day Off

2008-12-16T05:10:00.001-08:00

She took today off - most likely to sharpen the machete when she chops me up.

Fattoush

2008-12-15T08:36:00.000-08:00

Through a series of loud effort noises, while grabbing her coat off the hook, she grunts, "Just goin' out to get some lunCH." I have no idea why she emphasized the "ch" in "lunch," but I it gave me a reason to stare at her, which is the worst part of my day.

decor

2008-12-10T13:44:00.001-08:00

She brought in even more decorations. AND is now taking photos of her decorating result. I'm crying inside.

Bathing what?

2008-12-09T06:54:00.000-08:00

(her) "If the radiator were still on, we'd be wearing our bathing suits!"

(my inner monologue) JESUS, what!? No. What?! You will not wear your bathing suit around me. Why do you own one? Gosh Dammit.

Quarterly meeting

2008-12-09T05:10:00.000-08:00

We had a quarterly meeting yesterday. I always sit in the back. Always. She stomps in, sets up shop in the front of the auditorium and stomps back out. On her way by me, she condescendingly informs me that I will have to move up. I don't. I didn't. Many people actually sat behind me. So...(insert little kid tongue spitting noise).

Vacation

2008-12-03T05:10:00.000-08:00

She took a vacation day today, probably to crush walnuts with her man-hands.

Holiday

2008-12-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

She moved the ceramic blue hippo that sits on her shelf and has put up some stupid xmas tree and a wreath. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Really?

2008-11-25T06:03:00.001-08:00

First day back from vacatation, I was in Phoenix for soccer, she clomps in and says, "I was SOOOO lonely!" I was scared. So scared.

C'MON

2008-11-14T05:36:00.001-08:00

She just thundered in and exclaimed "A BIG TGIF!"

Cripes.

Mentor

2008-11-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

She just asked me how she can be a better mentor. You're the mentor. Be one. If I knew, I'd be the mentor.

Irony?

2008-11-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

She's not a mom, yet keeps talking to me in a motherly voice, which is a wicked combination of singing, sympathy, and old-ish. I say that because she is doing that right now while I type it.

Weekend

2008-11-03T06:01:00.000-08:00

She is a tour guide for some old ass house in her town and she told me, for 20 minutes, how horrible a group of cub scouts were during her tour.

Big brothers big sisters

2008-10-31T05:09:00.001-07:00

Our manager wants her to become more of a mentor to me. Yesterday she offered these two nuggets of wisdom:

"I don't want to make you a quiche eating guy..."

"You don't read romance novels do you? That's the kind of voice we need you to find...."

I look around daily to see if there are hidden cameras.

Heat

2008-10-29T06:34:00.001-07:00

There are four engineers in our office to work on her radiator, which pumps out sun-like heat. Four engineers. She has the power of annoyance.

nose

2008-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

I think she might have just blown her nose, hard to say.

driven

2008-10-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

"I feel so uninspired today." We write fund raising materials, what is there to be inspired about?

Scrapbooking

2008-10-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

So, she went on an 11 day trip to the northeast United States with a friend of hers. She made a book of it. A photo album of about 40 pages. And text. I know this because I look at it. While she explained to me which mountains were/are which.

loves her job

2008-10-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

We've had three conversations already about how much she hates our boss's boss. She is drenched in ire.

Motherly

2008-10-07T06:12:00.001-07:00

So I've been sick for the last week and took last Friday off for a legitimate sick day. She comes in today after hearing me hack all day yesterday and says..."Are you sick?" holy shit pie, yes, I'm sick. I'm popping vitamin c drops and coughing into my elbow pit every twelve seconds.

Sanders

2008-09-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

Looking over her glasses at me with a Judge Smalls grin, she declares "There is fudge downstairs."

Easy, tiger.

e

Birthday

2008-09-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

She sang "happy birthday" to me when she walked in. I was embarrassed for everyone involved.

She's BAAACCKK

2008-09-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

She spent 40 minutes telling me of her trip in the NE US of A. Places like Vermont and Maine. I'm infamiliar with those locations, but it sounds dreadful.

Vacation

2008-09-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

She's been on vacation, marauding around Northeast United States with her friend.

Planets

2008-09-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

She has been driving a Saturn for a few years now and it will cross the 200K mile mark soon. She took it in for some work because she is driving through the Northeast this week. They told her it would make it 300K. And they gave her a Vue loaner. That all took 20 minutes to tell me. It took you 20 seconds to read it.

Illin'

2008-08-28T13:25:00.001-07:00

I was out "sick" yesterday. Said I had a headache and what not. I didn't, I just had a game to coach. Perfectly healthy. Anyway, she comes in today and says..."You still look a little pale."

Great.

Firing the cliche

2008-08-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

We are at Starbucks for a team meeting and at the end, she (59 years old) tells me (28) and our boss (35), that we have to absolutely have to remember, that the two of us have to make plans to have fun because, "life is too short." StopitStopitStopitStopit.

More teknologee

2008-08-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Couldn't figure out how to change the font on a read-only copy of a document. It's read only. Can't change it. Couldn't grasp it.

Start the clock

2008-08-19T10:09:00.002-07:00

She got that new cell phone and she keeps mentioning how she can't sort out the "make it buzz" part. I will stay quiet until she she asks outright. It's a battle.

Verizon

2008-08-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

She got a cell phone over the weekend. She walked in, stalked up to my desk, and promptly shoved it in my face with a "LOOK WHAT I GOT" face. First cell phone ever for her. THEN, she told me about her two conversations last night. Cripes. Monday morning. C'MON Frankenstein, gimme some space.

Whoa, no.

2008-08-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

She just addressed me thusly: "Okay, my dear...."

I smiled. How else does one react to that without being verbally violent?

Conspiracy

2008-08-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

She is now whispering into her phone. I am mostly certain she is plotting to have me put down.

Weekend offering

2008-08-11T12:59:00.001-07:00

So, I went to Chicago and then back to Grand Rapids for a bachelor party this weekend. I tell you that to tell you this: My office mate stumbles in and asks, "How were your days off?" As I opened my mouth to answer, she just kept walking to her desk, not waiting for my answer. She has said three more words to me all day. I counted.

Hostage

2008-08-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

I said my weekend was just normal, thanks for asking. She responded with "I should have you come over and work at my house." I just blinked at her. Twice.

Barry Melrose

2008-07-29T05:27:00.000-07:00

She got a haircut. Reverse mullet. Business on the bottom, party on top. She looks fantastic.