Tuesday, January 12, 2010

new position

I recently took a new position that I held before in the same division, but in a difference office. I'm deciding on whether or not to post about the same now former office mate or pick on the one that now sits behind me. I will probably pick on the new one. Below is one day, two years ago, in the life of my job.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

8:00 – close the blinds over the air conditioner in our 100 year old building b/c it lets the wind in. Our boiler is broken, the same boiler they’ve been working on for three months. It’s -3C for fuck’s sake. Ted Williams’ head couldn’t survive in this environment. I’m Laura Engalls Wilder in this fucking log cabin.

8:03 - I have my hooded sweatshirt on and employing the hood. I look like a Jedi researcher. Yes, I’m a male librarian, who just made a Star Wars reference while he diaried his whole day. Color me dork.

8:05-8:25 – perused my daily links (break.com, maximonline.com, espn.com headlines, soccernet, popcandy, etc.), stared at Woodward Ave.

8:33 – my cool colleague has a virus on her computer that opens 43 IE windows, then counts them down, then back up. I laugh and mock b/c it isn’t my computer.

8:36 – my man-hating, hairy armed colleague has expelled her first exasperated sigh

8:38 – cool colleague goes to get the funny IT guy who hails from parts unknown. His way to greet you is some sort of double hand wave. Like he can’t pick just one hand to wave with, so he over does it.

8:46 – eating Trix out of a plastic baggie, making noise to annoy my asexual-can’t-get-a- boyfriend colleague who battles me on every “would you rather” argument. Vile woman.

8:48 – extend my streak to four days of dropping at least one kernel of Trix and running it over to create sugar powder muddle under my chair. Joe Dimaggio, ’72 Dolphins, Susan Lucci and me.

8:51 – miserable man-hating colleague and I enter into a discussion about the possibility of their really being a Santa Claus vs. there being a Jesus Christ. I stand by Santa, she stands by the other guy. Her argument rests on talking reindeer, mine rests on the Crouching Tiger/Matrix antics of one J. H. Christ. Let the rhetoric commence bitches.

8:55 – same horrible miserable no good woman gets me into an argument about those commercials AT&T have that combine the city names to make one name. I’m not done with the Santa fight yet, but I’ll ambush her later. THEN, she gets on my case about eating M&M’s early in the morning.

8:57 – pressing my temples to make the pain go away.

9:01 – first sneeze/nose blow of the day for miserable colleague, this will be thematic.

9:02 – Ambiguous sub continental IT guy leaves with a Shooter McGavin finger pistol motion. Awesome.

9:09 – Starting the two hour Prison Break from last night. I bathe in your jealousy

9:10 – I would start the show if it was posted, I’ll try Heroes, which IS posted FOX, you shit ass network.

9:12 – another nose blow followed by a cacophony of sniffles

9:15 – continuing research on some lawyer that represents Ernie Harwell, and once represented Pete Rose (great job dude).

9:18 – I’m throwing this out there to man-hating colleague: Ali Larter is better looking than Hayden Panettiere; she just huffs in response, which I think means I’m a slobbish pig of a man doomed to hell, which I think will most certainly be run by her…in the nude.

9:22 - miserable man-hating colleague just tells us that Ted Nugent’s wife is an alum of the school I work at. She’s proud of herself.

9:33 – Faygo truck across the street at the gas station; you’d better be ready to die for the last Rock and Rye on the planet b/c I will kill you dead for it.

9:40 – we have to start doing work. Big events in NY and Chicago. Let the narcolepsy begin. All of my work will have line after line of the letter “h” throughout.

9:47 – another nose blow, which will be followed by some honking, sniffling, laughing at herself and the absurdity of it all…I’m stapling the webbing between my fingers into my desk so I don’t get up and lop her nose off.

9:56 – equation time: husky female colleague from across the hall leaving one person bathroom + me going in right after = heebie jeebies and furtive glances about the bathroom.

9:58 – The tv show Heroes scrambles my cerebellum

10:15 – started watching Journeyman starring that dude from Rome (HBO).

10:19 – sneeze/nose blow/sniffle/rinse/repeat/mumble about allergies

10:26 – told my miserable man-hating colleague that I loved watching Melrose Place, and she gave me one of her high pitched “MM-HMMM!” ’s

10:38 – eating Ranch Wheat Thins…little squares of heaven.

10:40 – actually nonprofitally working…

11:00 – the three of us are working, it’s quiet, research army marching on into the gray nothingness of…snore

11:04 – here’s the thing about the Beowulf trailer: I really do think Angelina Jolie can turn herself into an animated serpent. Would anyone be surprised by this?

11:06 – starting to watch Chuck

11:11 - my toes look like purple grapes due to the subzero temps in this joint.

11:25 – we just had a 24-esque deadline applied to us…it’s on bitches. My fingers are moving like Swift from David the Gnome, who would coincidentally, kick the Travelocity gnome’s ass.

11:43 – hey-oh, another sneeze/nose blow combination, this one scared me, I kind of jumped; Roberto Duran, no mas!

12:18 – Watching Bing Bang Theory, funny ass show, you love it, I know this. I’m also scrambling the Alert Five aircraft to get this assignment done, Wolfman and Hollywood are on their way. Maverick supersonic

12:26 – while discussing how to format our assignment, miserable man-hating colleague takes 72 seconds to get a question out of her mouth. I could have crocheted an afghan by now.

12:28 – sneeze, nose blow (shaking my head)

12:30 – watching CSI Miami now, this is Horatio Caine’s world people, we’re all just paying rent. Know this edict and live by it

12:58 - sneeze, nose blow (shaking my head…again)

1:15 – Horatio needs to get some action, he’s always hypertense

1:20 - miserable man-hating colleague just huffed and whisked away on her broomstick, which is chronically shoved up her ass, to lunch.

1:39 - just finished How I Met Your Mother….Doogie Howser is the only funny part of this show.

1:45 – lunch. This much inactivity needs fuel people.

2:45 – 3:45 - as we wrapped up our awful assignment, I slowly watched gray clouds cover downtown Detroit, cover my vision, and then had to deal with three successive “I hate my life” sighs from that miserable man-hating colleague

3:50 – boss tells me that there shouldn’t be any more emergency assignments like the one that just shook up Cook County Hospital in here…where’s Doug Ross when you need him?

4:00 – 5:00 – about six times she sneezed in the next hour and I just think her cubicle looks like the inside of the Statue of Liberty in Ghostbusters II when they spray it with the emotional fueled goop.

4:11 – finding episodes of the British version of the Office, the greatest thing to ever happen to television, so take that JR, no one cares who shot you.

4:24 – eating an apple and wondering if anyone actually has bitten into a worm while eating an apple, resume staring out the window at Woodward

4:31 – cool colleague and I start complaining about how long the last half hour is

4:35 – emergency reference question from a D.O. in Vegas looking for a phone number.

4:49 – can’t find the phone number, must be tattooed on a unicorns ass in Mordor.

4:55 – found two numbers, but I’m not confident in them…you don’t give a shit.

4:57 – last time I did this, I laughed about the word “shuttlecock.” I’m laughing at it again. Shuttlecock. Now you’re laughing.

5:00 – shuttlecock out to my car


otherworldlyone said...

It's like The Office. With the IT guy being Dwight. Congrats on getting away from Man Hands. I hope your new material is still as humorous.

I did laugh at shuttlecock.

#1 blogger said...

yes i have honestly bitten into an apple to find half a worm. i shrugged and kept chewing.